@daplusk

Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.

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@CoopSoSarc

I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.

My wife still came home.

Superstitions are stupid.

@AbbyHasIssues

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

@WetzelGeek

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

@_GrahamPatrick

GUY #1: You free next week?
GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy.
GUY #1: You mean diary yeah?

*cow walks by with “dentist 11.30” on it*

@panmidwest

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

@Kids_kubed

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

@XplodingUnicorn

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

@Skoogeth

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

@SconesMortensen

Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here?

*everyone looks at me*

Me [dressed as Batman]: that’s not me, my name is Jack