I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.
My wife still came home.
Superstitions are stupid.
Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.
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I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
GUY #1: You free next week?
GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy.
GUY #1: You mean diary yeah?
*cow walks by with “dentist 11.30” on it*
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
me: no we only have the playstation
Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here?
*everyone looks at me*
Me [dressed as Batman]: that’s not me, my name is Jack