somebody come look at this
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us