@UhhhJasonWebb

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

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@TheCiscoKidder

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

@midnitesoc

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

@ghostkrogh

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

@JohnHilsen

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

@LoriLuvsShoes

I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.

@Gupton68

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

@callmeshitto

18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget

@WilliamAder

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

@SamuelHLowe

I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?