@drhappyknuckles

Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.

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@SeanINCypress

I don’t like snakes, but “Diarrhea on a Plane” would be a lot scarier.

@lovemydogduck

I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)

@ThePocketJustin

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

@hyperseas

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

@Midgetspar

When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.

@haleysfalling

I’ve decided that I’m going to start texting people back.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

@JediGigi

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

@brakco

I can’t help but feel that if Mario hadn’t been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..

@trims_the_fat

Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their’s that they don’t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.