I don’t like snakes, but “Diarrhea on a Plane” would be a lot scarier.
Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.
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I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.
I’ve decided that I’m going to start texting people back.
That’s it. That’s the joke.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I can’t help but feel that if Mario hadn’t been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..
*Rides off into sunset
*Forgets phone charger
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their’s that they don’t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.