Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
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Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
incredible book dedication
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh