ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
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Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
plant them where lol
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Every work call, he judges.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
For anyone who needs this today
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.