Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.

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Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?


No I don’t want to see your newborn. Babies need at least 3 weeks to ripen


I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…


If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.


I’m not gonna apologize for being me. I tried that once and no one would accept it


Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath


[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university


I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.


[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that