ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend