Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Somebody PLEASE come to my house and plug the power cord into my laptop.
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[after watching 1 episode of a show where i paid attention roughly 10% of the time] This show sucks I don’t understand what’s happening at all
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
*Removes nail polish*
Ok, weigh me now
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.