I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
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When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”