YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
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and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
*walks into lift*
Guy: going down?
Me: I’ll need a first date for that.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF