@70Ceeks

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

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@sock_holliday

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

@robknepper

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

@VelouriaDaze

*walks into lift*
Guy: going down?
Me: I’ll need a first date for that.

*silence*

*doors open*

Dammit Twitter!

@Maxine12333

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

@Awk0Tacoo

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

@Sayhikristy

Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.

@MummaCrazy

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

@JustinMcElroy

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

@Quartzjixler

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.