SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
You Might Also Like
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
What
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.