SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
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*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.