@ilovepie84

Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you’re going to get.

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@AngelaEhh

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

@PaperWash

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

@Laser_Cat

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

@JustMeTurtle

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

@AbbyHasIssues

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

@LeviathanPride

Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.

@Beagz

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

@VerbsRProudest

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

@ArfMeasures

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

@roggyie

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white