I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday