Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.