@QwertyJones3

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

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@Love_bug1016

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

@mattZillaaaa

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

@daddydoubts

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

@KentWGraham

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

@TheCatWhisprer

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

@lisaxy424

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

@Jarhead44

I’ll give you 10 seconds to take back what you said about my wind chimes.

@JakeSocial

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

@thedad

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

@Elizasoul80

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.