Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”
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You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us
~~The crew of the Apollo-G