Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”

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Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.


You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.


my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun


Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.


Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide


Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.


You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.


Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered


ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G