Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”

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4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.


I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.


GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.


me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none


“We hug and kiss, but people just don’t lick each other.”

-yet another lie I just told my toddler


Husband called & asked what I was cooking for dinner then we laughed and laughed and then he said seriously what do you need at liquor store


I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me


Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.


My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”