@taylortomlinson

Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”

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@joeljeffrey

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

@DevilryFun

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

@online_rat

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

@Breadery

Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.

@ScottLinnen

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

@withanewname

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

@HavocMantis

You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.

@FU_TangClan

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

@Home_Halfway

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G