Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
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People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”