Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.

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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning


“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that


(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
angel: you ok pal?


[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.


my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast


her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one


A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.