@pmclellan

Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.

You Might Also Like

@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

@SoVeryBritish

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

@AndrewChamings

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

@Thynebear

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

@online_rat

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

@clichedout

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

@MattKrahe

A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.