*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
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Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday