Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I’m literally crying
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent