Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.


You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.


[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*


[cat shelter]
Me: so u don’t test for it but u say none of them have it?
Owner: we’ve never come across a cat with martial arts training, no



you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel


Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.


I drove home with a new bunny for my kids & all they did was moan.

“Why hasn’t it got a head?”
“I don’t want to scrape it off the wheel.”


*found in the netflix horror section*
“Mary has a secret that’ll TEAR YOU APART”
Movie name: Mary piranha