ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
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Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.