@scharpling

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

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@dreamthievin

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

@MarcusTheToken

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

@ElleOhHell

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

@Reverend_Scott

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

@trumpetcake

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

@six_2_and_even

Ancestry dot com returned my check with a note saying every ancestor in my family was a horse thief. Every one.

@tayandmae

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

@girl_a_whirl

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

@TheDairylandDon

They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time