Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
You Might Also Like
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
this is so top tier i cant
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments