Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

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I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.


Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.


“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.


I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.


*puts on shirt*

*shirt rips because of my muscles*

*gets yelled at for ruining 5yo’s shirt*


murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.


I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup


Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?


When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.


My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*