shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
You Might Also Like
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
True statement👍😏😁
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer