@TheWeirdWorld

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

- @TheWeirdWorld

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@TGIJeff

When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water

@Just_Lee_

Nothing says “We have no faith in our own products” like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.

@eliyudin

“WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!” “EARTH” “WIND” “WATER” “FIRE” “HEART” “SELF-LOATHING” get outta here Eli “SORRY”

@imdaintyaf

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

@murrman5

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

@SortaBad

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you