Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
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“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me