“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
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*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.