The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
You Might Also Like
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Monica just destroyed the internet
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.