Someday I’m gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone’s mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights.

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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.


SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*


I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”


It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.


“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect


Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi


A sure fire way to lose a afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says “come on it will only take a half hour to fix”


I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.