@sirmunchie

Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.

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@UncleDuke1969

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

@GroovyTasia

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

@HairyJew4Life

Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.

@AmishPornStar1

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

@WonderMonkey78

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

@zachreinert03

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

@Parkerlawyer

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

@Traceylei2

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

@Rainmaker1973

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

@ABurgerADay

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.