Her: I want you to tie me up.
Her: Blindfold me.
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.
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Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?
When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.