The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
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i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*