ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
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God’s Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse’s body? I think you’re just in a bad mood.
God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.
But it was returned…
no strings attached.
My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, ‘that’s how many teeth adult humans have’.
I sure hope he asks me out again.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
mentally somewhere in italy
Judging by this line at Costco it doesn’t look like I’ll ever see my family again.
My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.