Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
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I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park