@cloudypianos

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

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@hidingfromme

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

@SSparklesDaily

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

@DLin71

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

@AngryRaccoon2

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

@WheelTod

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

@LlamaInaTux

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

@anerdonfire2

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.