how do lawyers argue without crying
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
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All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Boss: What is your best trait?
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.