@cloudypianos

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

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@david8hughes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

@E_lok44

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

@NicestHippo

“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex

@stephenjmolloy

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

@MinedOvaMatter

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

@HousewifeOfHell

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

@dad_on_my_feet

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

@Izianikapani

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

@lunchbox_82

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.