“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
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You can’t rush stupid.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.