@cloudypianos

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

You Might Also Like

@JervanF

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

@chuuew

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

@robdelaney

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

@brennadine

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

@JaiWalker

Childless people wondering what it’s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.

@django

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

@roboticcrab

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

@thenatewolf

*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*

You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.