Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.
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I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.
So I have no switched to mint Oreos.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it
the New Releases section.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.