Somehow every app knows exactly when its password will be squeezed out of my mind to make room for other stuff, and it chooses that moment to demand it from me again.

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“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”


me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ????


[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]


I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.


Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.


Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn’t know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou


Me: goodnight son I love you.


Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*


Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”


Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories