Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

never deleting this app.

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh