Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
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HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Salad is the decaf of food.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.