@iAmDelFreaky

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

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@EffiMai

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

@sixthformpoet

The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

@clichedout

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

@lizzhuerta

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

@BruceForce

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

@sixfootcandy

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

@BoogTweets

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.