*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
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My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Netflix and awkward silence?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Hotels are back
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*puts my mental health in rice
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”