*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

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An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.


Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.


Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week πŸ™


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen


The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.




According to my current parking spot I’m a physician


[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?


I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.


Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.