An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
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Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
According to my current parking spot I’m a physician
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
*puts hand in my mouth*
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.