I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
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If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
are they though??
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.