The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
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Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces