Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
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If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job