Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
You Might Also Like
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.