Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
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Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
yeah not falling for this one
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something