Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

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The neighbor’s wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today.

-I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard


who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area


“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]


Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.


*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”


I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.


TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.


My son’s taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone’s talking about anymore.


I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning