@Dawn_M_

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

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@mstluvstrinkets

The neighbor’s wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today.

-I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard

@DanMentos

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

@HatfieldAnne

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

@loribuckmajor

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

@BobTheSuit

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

@LuvPug

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

@blade_funner

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

@ProudFFAalumni

My son’s taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone’s talking about anymore.

@Marlebean

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning