Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
You Might Also Like
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5