Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
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anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card