LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Choose your fighter
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*