@my_minivan_life

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

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@SpokenDamsel

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

@JasonLastname

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

@hamspamtymaam

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

@krissywillbretz

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

@astutenewf

Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.

@danwlin

12:00am – Government shuts down

12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again

12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero

12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana

12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient

@PaperWash

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie