*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
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This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.
12:00am – Government shuts down
12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again
12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero
12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana
12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie