Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
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About to go for a run, because shoplifting
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.