Someone asked me what my most attractive quality is and I just said lasagna

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Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?


What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?


rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!


What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?


Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!


“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”


Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.


[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]


GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice


Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot