Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
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Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Previously On Persistence 😎
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND