I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
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Uh oh…
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.