Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
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Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Holy crap this is wonderful
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I got bills
They’re multiplying
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids