@mijamtweets

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

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@ashlar36

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

@dave_cactus

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

@RxitWounds

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

@mooses_mom_mar

Sprawled out on piano

I’m in the mood for a melody.
I’m in the moooood.

Bartender: that’s it. No more Shirley Temples for you.

@3sunzzz

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

@CroweJam

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

@Ochie2S

Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”