Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
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COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.