Hey [STOP] Got your voicemail earlier [STOP] I’m replying with a telegram because you’re apparently a big fan of outdated technology [STOP]
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
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[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
PLS JUST DO IT
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Before college, I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, but now I’m confident I have no idea what I’m doing.
Keep messing with those Snapchat filters and your face is gonna stay that way.
gf: every night he lies in bed, it drives me crazy
her friend: what that sounds completely normal
[earlier, in bed]
me: i invented the colour blue