Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
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i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.