@KenJennings

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

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@urmumsausername

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Cop 1: Where did you come from?

Cop 2: Where did you go?

Cotton Eyed Joe: I want a lawyer.

@theguywitheyes

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

@IamJackBoot

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

@badAzz_mom

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

@kimmie_1980

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

@AndrewNadeau0

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

@actualhuman01

me: i didn’t think bird box was that good

the internet: you actually watched it? you were just supposed to make memes about it you idiot

@TheAlexP

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.