*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

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At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?


Cop 1: Where did you come from?

Cop 2: Where did you go?

Cotton Eyed Joe: I want a lawyer.


ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate


I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.


……bless you
……bless you
……bless you


Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.


INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.


me: i didn’t think bird box was that good

the internet: you actually watched it? you were just supposed to make memes about it you idiot


Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.