*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
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Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”